Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Make Out, Fall Out, Make Up

As work begins to slow and I find myself with small bursts of free time, I've decided I'd like to take more time to chronicle my thoughts. The only problem is that I'm living such a full life at the moment that I have little time to do this. This is especially the case since my preferred medium is old fashion ink and unlined paper. However, given the simplicity and convenience of this format, I suppose I'll try to at least outline a few points every so often. At least this way I can briefly point to ideas and concepts as vague as they might be and have a place to build on them in the future. Unfortunately, my beloved hard-bound hardly offers this. So let me start here, with the obvious:

I'm living such a full life right. It starts with the long hours at work because of the obscene work flow combined with the absence of 3 of the 8 office employees. By adding the obsessively lengthy work out routines routed in outlandish health goals I have set for myself and couple this already massive chunk of time with family and social obligations and I find myself lying awake at night simply to recharge my mental condition of neutrality instead of depravity and self-loathing.

I consistently find myself with a lack of time for everything I want to accomplish. One major section of my life that gets neglected due to the overbearing nature of the above is the lack of studying going on. Granted I have become more committed to prepping myself for LSATs and GREs in the last month or two than I was all of the year before that, I still find myself making excuses of why not to donate that hour of actual free time to the worthier cause. Worthier still would be if I could actually refine my life plan to some extent and figure out where, when, and for what I want to actually study. MPH? JD? MBA? MA? They all seem like viable and beneficial options. I just need the time to figure out what the hell I want to do.

I haven't had a lick of time to actual explore other things I want to do. I used to love being outdoors and wandering the woods. I supposed this is why and how I fell into geocaching. Not that I've even attempted that since my GPS got stolen. I also haven't had a chance to do any positive good aside from what I do at work. Helping out at Martha's Table has become zero as have all of the my other volunteer activities. In any case my volunteerism, adventurous spirit, and other personal pleasures have taken a back seat lately.

Given this lack of time, my romantic life is definitely suffering. This is the first time I haven't been in a relationship for over 8 months since her.Sometimes I feel like that's okay and convince myself that this is a period of self-growth and that a relationship would distract from my already lofty goals. Unfortunately that facade doesn't last long as even I know that I am so much better in a relationship. The continuous commentary of someone important in your life that you can relate to and share everything with only improves the reflective point you have on yourself. In a sense a relationship serves to provide clarity to all these goals you may have set for yourself. At least that's my take.

Perhaps a relationship would help me stop feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Regardless, one goal that helps me avoid that undermining perspective is my work outs. I can actually feel and see the results as they come and it motivates me to continue. This is clearly in stark contrast to the confused reality of my social, academic, and career oriented goals. The simplicity of working hard and getting results is refreshing and is often the factor which keeps me most sane. But I suppose in some sense, pushing myself at this level is accomplishing the same thing. Lord knows that if I go further and faster I risk hitting my lull and bottoming out into a deep cavernous depression that I've been avoiding so long. Alternatively, if I slow down I risk building up a manic energy that will probably manifest itself in ways I don't even want to imagine. Either way I run the chance of falling into a vicious cycle of no control. I'd rather be this way.

Sometimes life lets you take time slow down and smell the air and feel the sun on your skin. For me, it's more like an open highway: I have all the room and road to speed but I don't dare speed to fast for fear of being pulled over. At least I'm making good time.

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